Settle For A Slowdown
by Queequg471
Summary: I'm not asking you to turn back around, but I'd settle for a slowdown. In which we know that we can never go back.


**Oh, lordy, is this an internal sigh of relief. Nothing happy, just good, old-fashioned angst. I think we all learned something about where my strengths lie (hint: not in fluff). I am now allowed to break OTPs up and torture them again, just like in the good old days of yore. **

**With that said, let's engage in some Densi angst! It is not my best, not by a long shot, be warned. I really want to do another like Everything You Ever, but I need REALLY good angst inspiration. Any suggestions are more than welcomed. **

It wasn't as if she meant anything by it. Really, she'd been forced into doing it. If she had her way, she wouldn't have breathed a word, wouldn't have even spoken to him,

They are the picture of professionalism at work. So in sync, they barely need words (which is a relief in more ways then one). Despite everything, they know each other too well. Sam and Callen give them basic commands; they journey to various motels, spas and a variety of other cases to chase down leads. They discuss the cases on the way, share meals. Everything is the same.

Except nothing is the same.

_**The love that we made still barely an echo**_

It takes four washes to get his scent out. Four different cycles in four different washing machines, because the second time it hadn't come out she had panicked. She wanted, _needed_ it out so badly. It was as if he was still there. She didn't want the constant reminder of what she'd thrown away.

So four washes and a near-trip to the dry cleaner later, Kensi is finally satisfied with her sheets, and is managing to ignore the little voice in her head asking her why she just didn't buy new ones, what possible sentimental value could sheets have?

If she had to venture a guess though, she'd probably say their value was felt around 3am, in that place between sleeping and wakefulness, where the ever-so-faint traces of his smell made her smile. The only time she smiled these days.

_**I'm not asking you to turn back around**_

It would be _so_ much easier to hate Briana. To call her a bitch, a cheap, disposable bitch who wouldn't last longer than a month. It was Deeks after all. For someone who she knew to be so caring, so sweet, he never seemed to hold onto a girlfriend long.

Then comes that voice again, the one she squashes before it can finish the sentence. _He _did_ keep a girlfriend for longer than a month, and would have kept one longer if you hadn't_…

She knows, she _knows _her mistake. It had never felt right, what she did to him.

He begged her not to do it, his pleas still echoing in her mind to this day. One especially.

_Please, Kensi – what did I do?_

Nothing. He was perfect. It was – _they_ were perfect. But she was Kensi Marie Blye, grand reigning queen of screwing it up.

Briana…she made a sincere effort to get to know Kensi. She knew about their history, but she was nothing but sweet and welcoming toward her.

She was perfect for Deeks.

And for that, Kensi wanted so, _so _badly to hate her.

'_**Cause she will love you more than I could. **_

_**She who dares to stand where I stood.**_

A knife was probably a little too mild. It was really more like a machete. Like a machete that was really just a constant presence. Sometimes she even looked down to make sure there was nothing actually stabbing her in the chest, because the pain was everywhere, all the time.

And every time Deeks looked at Briana, talked about Briana, went home to Briana, Kensi could feel it going deeper.

_**Maybe that's just you way of dealing with the pain**_

_**Forgetting everything between our rise and fall**_

God, she fucking hated _feelings_. After it ended, she had been so positive that her feelings for Deeks would quickly subside. There was nothing to have feelings about anymore. There was no _them_ anymore.

But no, God, or the universe, or whoever was up there, really fucking hated her, because the stupid _feelings _didn't go away. In fact, they'd only gotten stronger.

So strong that Kensi couldn't hide from the particular emotion she felt around Briana.

_Jealousy_.

_She_ should be who Deeks looked at. Who he thought about. Who he went home to.

_You were, you fucking idiot, _that little voice in her mind gleefully sang. _You had everything you wanted, and you threw him away like yesterday's garbage. _

She hated that voice so, so much, but it was the bitter truth.

_**We each forgive a little bit, and we both look back on it**_

_**As just bad timing, that's all**_

For almost a year, she and Deeks had been absurdly happy. It was the perfect mix of sex, friendship, and romance.

And then her period had come late. It always came with military precision, like everything else in her life.

And she got _so fucking terrified_.

And it turned out to be for nothing, of course, but suddenly her and Deeks were in it for a lifetime.

And being counted on not to screw this up for a lifetime….easier to just end it now. Spare everyone the heartache, and end it now.

Yeah, that worked out really well.

_**Restless hearts, sleep alone tonight**_

It had been Nate who suggested it, of course. Kensi had vehemently refused. He didn't need to know. He was happy. She didn't deserve a second chance anyway. She'd just break him again. No, it was better he didn't know, and that's exactly what she'd told Nate.

"Come on, Kensi," he'd said. "This is doing you no good. What harm could it do to tell him?"

"He could hear me," she'd snapped.

Nate smiled. "That's kinda the point. Right now, you're just making yourself miserable. Are you really willing to do that for years to come? Just so he has a relationship other than you?"

"If it works out for him? Yes."

It was said with absolute conviction, and she meant it with everything in her. But some of Nate's psychobabble must have triggered something, because before she knew it, she was blurting it out.

_I kind of still have feelings for you._

_**Some are reaching, few are there. Want to reign from a hero's chair**_

The "what the hell, Kensi?"'s were all that was heard for the first few minutes.

They were alone; Kensi had made sure of this, even if she hadn't meant to blurt it out. Instead of their usual confrontation setting, the gym, Deeks paced right outside Ops, where Callen and Sam's Challenger (they had joint custody, since Callen paid) usually sat.

Deeks paced furiously, running his fingers through his long hair.

And paced.

And paced.

And with every step, every sigh, every groan, the knot in Kensi's stomach twisted tighter and tighter, until it was all she felt.

"Say something. Please. _Anything_."

Deeks finally met her desperate gaze, and the pained look in his eyes made Kensi ache even more.

"Deeks…"

"How _could _you, Kensi?"

Of all the responses she'd ran through in her head, Kensi hadn't considered that one.

"How could I?"

"Now? Seriously? _Now?_ Did you want to wait till I had finally moved on and then plunge us into this again?"

The way he spat out _this_…like their whole relationship was one big nightmare. Kensi didn't remember it that way. Kensi remembered it as the best year of her life.

"Were we really so bad?" she asked, hating the whimpering tone her voice had taken on.

"No! That's the whole fucking _point_, Kensi! We weren't bad, we were amazing! We were perfect!"

Deeks let out an enormous sigh, and sank down against a wall.

"I would have done anything for you. Anything, but it wasn't enough for you. You just broke up with me, like it didn't mean anything to you."

"It meant everything! How can you say that?"

"Because you fucking dumped me! And then you wait until I'm finally moving on, finally not thinking about you every minute of every day, to tell me you still have feelings for me?"

The tears gathered involuntarily, but Kensi fought them back.

"I tried, Deeks. I really did, I wasn't going to say anything. But do you honestly think it's easy to see you two together? Do you think seeing how perfect you are together is fun for me?"

"Not perfect," Deeks mumbled.

His face contorted again and his fist flew out, striking the wall.

"If it was really perfect, I could just leave the past in the past. But you just won't get out of my head. "

Kensi's head snapped up. A tiny flame of hope rose inside her.

"You still think about me?"

Deeks gave a mocking laugh. "Oh, yeah. And I'd give absolutely anything to not. I'd give _anything_ to just think about Briana, because _she _doesn't drive me crazy. _She_ thinks I'm enough for her. _She _doesn't make me run over every moment of our relationship in my head for months after, trying to figure out what I could have possibly done wrong. God, I so wish I didn't think about you."

"Deeks," Kensi breathed.

"No, Kens. Just don't."

Kensi gave a slow nod. Tentatively, she slid down by him on the wall, placing her hand gently touching his.

Deeks shocked her by lacing their fingers together almost immediately, but Kensi didn't dare pull away.

"Why'd you do it, Kens? What was it that made everything so overwhelming for you?"

Kensi snorts softly because this is just so overdue, and yet such undiscovered territory. This is the one thing they have not been to each other in the last few months.

Honest.

"It was a missed period, mostly."

Deeks' head snapped upright instantly, and Kensi rubbed her thumb on the back of his hand.

"Don't worry. False alarm, but suddenly, we were in it for good." Kensi rested her head experimentally on Deeks' shoulder, feeling the familiar brush of his hair on her cheek.

"And I guess….I guess I thought if we were just dating, I couldn't screw this up. That if we broke up, I'd still have you. But a kid, and you…it was too much. I couldn't stand to let both of you down. So I broke up with you. And I regret it every day Deeks, you have to know that, but…I couldn't stand to let you down."

She felt a sigh run through him, and snuggled a little closer.

"So what changed between then and now?"

"Nothing. That's the point. I didn't end things because I didn't love you. I did. I do."

Deeks' hand tightened a fraction on hers, but he remained silent.

For long moments, they simply sat, and Kensi was content to. It had been so long since they were like this, since they were this bare with each other. She hoped beyond hope that it would bring Deeks back to her. She just wanted _her _Deeks back.

"Did you ever hear of the prodigal son?"

His voice came out of nowhere, and Kensi's brow furrowed in confusion.

"No…but it's a Bible story, isn't it?"

"Yeah…Luke. The story goes that a rich dad has two sons. When they get their estate back, the first son leaves right away and pretty much squanders it until he ends up a swineherd. Alone, and just full of regrets. He finally works up the courage to go back to his father, expecting to be disowned. Except he isn't. Even if his father wanted to hate him, he couldn't. Love's pretty powerful that way, I guess. And when the second brother questions why his father let him back, he tells him 'celebrate and be glad, for this, your brother, was dead, and is alive again. He was lost, and is found.'"

Deeks shifts them so that they are squatting on their knees, facing each other.

"And I just can't stop thinking about that. About what that father must have felt, to have loved someone so much, and to feel that absolute powerlessness when they turn their back. But he forgave his son. He knew that his son knew how wrong he was, how much they needed each other back."

Kensi only assumed she wasn't supposed to respond. The knot that had been so persistent in the pit of her stomach returned full force, devouring her insides as she waited in tense anticipation of Deeks' next words.

"And looking at you…all I can see is the pain the father must have felt. And how he was an idiot. He was an idiot for caring so much, he was an idiot for letting his son come back, and he was _such _an idiot for forgiving him."

Now the tears fell unchecked. This was the moment, Kensi realized. The moment when she realized they were beyond repair.

Songs, poets, stupid people in that _stupid _thing called love, they'd like to believe that love is enough. Love is enough for everything.

They were wrong.

They were wrong about everything.

"I know you're sorry, Kensi. I know how hard it is for you to be honest. And I know that you still love me. Maybe I still love you. But it's not enough. Not nearly enough."

_**And now you're back. You don't get to get me back.**_

**A/N #2: Before anyone asks, this is a complete story. I am following my usual tradition of leaving them in a dark and twisty place and letting them fumble around for themselves, so there will be no more of this. That said, I hope you enjoyed! My iTunes approved of this. Jar of Hearts, Settle for a Slowdown and Another Try all came on in succession. **

**Also, regarding the Bible story, I hope I did it justice. I like to think I'm pretty respectful of Christian beliefs, but honestly, I'm an Atheist, and I've never read the Bible. **

**Songs are: **

**Holes – Rascal Flatts**

**Settle For a Slowdown – Dierks Bentley**

**Where I Stood – Missy Higgins**

**Like We Never Loved At All – Tim McGraw feat. Faith Hill**

**Bad Timing – Blue Rodeo **

**Faithfully – Journey**

**No Envy, No Fear – Joshua Radin**

**Jar of Hearts – Christina Perri**


End file.
